“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do, two can be as bad as one/it’s the loneliest number since the number one.” Two infamous lines from the song “One,” by Harry Nilsson, appear to clinch the whole single-versus-couple debate. But can we even argue on the merits of two completely different modes of being? It might be like trying to win the NRA over to the idea of pacifism: can’t be done.
The real problem is, of course, loneliness. On Facebook in early January, a woman posted how upset she was at not having a date for Valentine’s Day. Fearful of the stigma of being alone, she had become a victim of the same commercializing monster who tells us if we don’t kiss someone at midnight on New Year’s Eve, we really are a total loser.
We have so many of these pariah-like days where advertisers prey on our self-esteem until it plunges into despair and we’ll basically do whatever they tell us to.
Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with love and is all about selling alcohol and chocolates. But, as that young woman is evidence of, the pressure to conform by coupling is, well, stiff.
The origins of the Saint Valentine legend are vague, and love had nothing to do with him, either, although marriage did. And Valentine did send a card signed, “From your Valentine” to the daughter of his jailer.
History tells us it was not a love note and that in this use of the word “your” it’s, grammatically speaking, a “determiner,” so the jury is out on that one. Regardless, Valentine was in jail (and subsequently beheaded) because he had pissed the Romans off by secretly marrying Christians (oh, and curing his jailor’s blindnessŃapparently miracles and marriages were against Roman law).
It would seem unlucky to be a couple in his day, so where did the “be my Valentine” come from? The mystery deepens because he may or may not have died on February 14; it may have been in May. The point is, no valentines were exchanged. The whole idea of exchanging love notes got started hundreds of years later with Chaucer and his dreary poems. We really should be calling it Chaucer’s Day.
Being married can give many people a sense of security. It did for me, but I was far lonelier in my marriage than now on my own. Marriage is one of those social constructs I was slow to analyze as not being a good fit for me. It makes me nervous that we have warped the idea of commitment to mean we can be forced to stay together, and behave however we like in the process.
I’ve been on my own since my divorce in 2003, although I did test drive two popular dating sites, Plenty of Fish and LavaLife, but those online encounters were so bizarre someone really should look into them before somebody gets sold into sex slavery or something. The question nowadays, in terms of finding a partner or some friends to hang out with, is how to do so safely and hassle-free.
The Victoria Friends Meetup Group is a good example of how singles and couples can meet, and there’s no awkwardness over the bill.
Jason Gillies, part of the leadership team of this recreational miracle, arrived in Victoria in the spring of 2008, freshly severed by a divorce. His family convinced him to start over by coming home and he describes that trip back to the island with nostalgic affection.
“I quit my job, gave away my stuff, packed a rudimentary kit in the smallest U-Haul I could rent, and drove west until I hit water,” he says.
Gillies found work in Victoria in IT, and soon all the pieces were in place. Except he was lonely.
“For three years it was tough, until it occurred to me I was meeting a lot of people who were all tourists. I Googled ‘social groups’ and found Meetup. Within a couple of months I had met hundreds of great people. [Victoria Friends co-leader] Kerry Conrad and I took on the group about a year ago, and we love to stress the fact that Victoria Friends is not just for singles; there are many couples, too. Not only that, there’s no fear of rejection, we’re inclusive. You’d have to try hard to be thrown out of our groups.”
Gillies suggests we might all be happier if we had more fun together. He explains how partnering with some planning is a healthy approach to finding that special someone, or special friends.
“Friendship can start out as organized, it doesn’t have to be random,” he says. “When you find yourself suddenly alone, you’re in a semi-unnatural period. The levels of loneliness you experience are created by your background and values. Friendships can be choreographed from a social perspective, rather than a romantic one.”
Geoff Haywood, a biology instructor at Camosun College, has an interesting take on the chemistry of the couple versus the single.
“There is evidence supporting the idea that humans evolved from large groups of smaller females protected by one physically much larger male to the modern, mostly similar-sized couple,” explains Haywood. “This eliminated the need for a lone-male protector element. At the same time males evolved to spending more time with one companion and their offspring, as opposed to the more distant relationships of the harem.”
Perhaps we’re now evolving to a place where couples aren’t always necessary anymore. Either way, it might have saved my marriage knowing that as our larger, knuckle-dragging male husbands became closer in size to the females, science and evolution dictated we were supposed to share more of the housework and childcare.
Haywood offers sage advice to evolving Valentine lonely hearts: “It is far better to wait to be with the right partner, than to be with the wrong one just to avoid being alone.”
Pondering the problem of successful ones and twos, what about couples who do work well as a team? Six mornings a week, Michael Forbes and Lisa Marshall get up in the middle of the night and go to work together at 98.5 The Ocean, where from inside our radio they help us rise with the sun in a better mood.
Not only do they work well together, they are raising two kids, and they make time to give back to our community. Even more impressive, they never bring in any of their baggage on air.
Marshall, with her quiet steadiness and wry humour, explains loneliness as if nurturing an inward place of acceptance.
“I haven’t had a lot of loneliness in my relationships; most have been positive and happy,” she says. “I’ve spent time developing an inner awareness I have found quite comforting. Being the mother of two boys, who are sports and soccer fanatics like their dad, I can sometimes feel left out, but as any mother of boys can relate to, it just comes along with the package.”
Forbes has a concerned, good-natured remark on the topic of loneliness.
“Loneliness is unique to everyone and might rear its head in young men and women because of an artificial deadline of when they think they should be in a relationship, have children, etc. If by a certain age they haven’t realized these life goals, there may be a tendency to think there is something wrong with them, which in turn may fuel loneliness,” he says.
Forbes also has a view on turning down the intensity of Valentine’s Day and finding alternatives.
“Not that I ignore it, but Valentine’s Day is low-key in our house; we don’t need a special day to show a person that they are loved,” he says. “It may be possible to love your own company, but loneliness can creep in. Filling that void does not have to come from a partner. It could be from friends, pets, or an inner faith.”
Finding someone doesn’t have to hurt. We don’t have to be lonely.
We have two choices: we can wait passively for the unlikely event of Cupid’s arrow finding us (while weeping sadly about our lot on Facebook or elsewhere online), or we can orchestrate friendships that grow slowly over time, eventually bearing fruit.
I’ve been telling friends I haven’t time for socializing. But the truth is, I’m terrified. I question my ability to choose someone who won’t annihilate the real me.
Terrified? Yes. But, lonely? No.
I’m satisfied with who I am and that my life goals are on track.
That didn’t stop me from buying a Victoria Friends membership, though. Just in case.
Way to go Jean O! Hope to see you in one of the events 🙂