Hi! Happy new year! This is a really spooky and cosmic time for us astrologists, so bear with me. I hope your planets stay aligned this year! I feel like mine are already totally not aligned LOL! Let’s do this!
Oh, and if you want to get in touch with me, well, sorry! I don’t have an email LOL I think it’s all being monitored and government mind control and microwaves and stuff BUT you can email Nexus and they’ll pass it along to me.
Now that I’m talking about microwaves I’m hungry LOL!
Aries: Hi! Hope you had good holidays with lots of rest because LOL you’ve got a hell of a January ahead of you! Watch out for men named Bob, or Bobby, and women named Jane! Hopefully that’s not, like, your mom or best friend or something!
Taurus: Taurus! What’s going on? How’s the big bull sign doing LOL. Well, you seem like you have your ducks in a row, but I don’t know if you do. Double check that your Ts are dotted and all that!
Gemini: At some point over the break, I thought, maybe I’ll stop writing this column. Every time I’m finished I crumble to the floor twitching and crying, it takes so much out of me! But then I think, Gemini, what’s up! Gemini needs me. So, I’m back! Watch out for back bacon. LOL totally not just saying that because when I said “back” there a while ago it made me think of back bacon. It’s what I saw in the stars! Sometimes I see food LOL.
Cancer: Uh-oh, now I’m hungry! Let’s do this: 64 is good, 198 is very bad, networking and branding, I still don’t know what either of those words mean, but you should focus on them, bye.
Leo: So, I told you a while ago about Lee the Leo I met? We totally hung out a LOT over the holidays. Leos, you’re all good. I see squishy Saturn sundaes in your future! LOL.
Virgo: Virgos will be very vantastic in the future! LOL like fanastic!
Libra: Alright, let’s get serious. Libra, good things are going to happen as a result of karma and stuff. LOL I typed “karama”! Then I typed “typede”! Anyway, keep up the good work just being you!
Scorpio: Hi! Hope all is well. Because it won’t be for long! But hang in there: January might be a bummer, but February looks excellent. Whoa, long-term forecast! I didn’t know I could do that LOL!
Sagittarius: I’m still laughing over my “typede” and “karama”! I hope you found that funny, Sagittarius! Because there’s not much else worth smiling about in your near future! Too bad! Like your good pal Scorpio, that’ll change next month.
Capricorn: OMG there are so many signs!
Aquarius: Hold on a second: have I mentioned yet that I’m an Aquarius? I don’t think so! So, that’s totally cool. We’re, like, related! LOL let’s hang out!
Pisces: You again? You’re always after my sign (Aquarius!), closing things down, just being weird hanging around. But, fine: totally buy jellybeans this month, it’ll set off a chain reaction like you wouldn’t believe! LOL, wow!