Hi! My name’s River and I can see the future… go!
Aries: Okay, so there just might be something about a “duck escape” in your future but I don’t really get why unless you live on a farm! Oh, hold on, the cosmos is giving me some signals hereÉ oh, “duct tape”? Signal is coming in foggyÉ argh!
Taurus: Totes not making fun of people who live on farms, totes would like to live on one! LOL Anyway, Taurus folks, this is your lucky week: buy lotto tickets and all that! Just kidding! Who actually buys lotto tickets? I have no idea.
Gemini: Hi! I think that there’s something in your future about rams but I don’t get it, do you all live on farms? Oh, dodge the ram? What the hell is the cosmos telling me? Oh, watch out for cars! Oh, “watch out for cars, River!” Ohmygod!
Cancer: LOL you’d think sitting in the middle of Richmond writing this out in my notebook would be safe, but a Dodge Ram almost hit me. LOL on what the cosmos was telling me! Anyway, Cancer, your future this issue has nothing to do with farms! It has to do with large amount of small bouncing balls. LOL I don’t know what you get up to, but can I come hang out? Cosmos is saying that one ball might go in your mouth and down into your stomach so, um, ew, watch out for that.
Leo: Psst! Cancer gets up to weird stuff.
Virgo: Under no circumstance should you party this week, and you might want to just focus on doing some studying anyway. We’ve seen better grades, and the partying isn’t helping! Stop partying!
Libra: Party on!
Scorpio: Watch out for the colour blue and for snakes, but I don’t know what situations you might find yourself in where that’s going to make any sense. What are you people doing in your spare time?
Sagittarius: So someone in one of my philosophy classes whispered in my ear the other day, he whispered this: “River, what is the sound of one hand clapping?” Doesn’t that blow your mind? And I thought of it because I see in your future a hand getting chopped off! Just kidding! But I see some clapping, you going to the theatre or somethin’?
Capricorn: I see the words “shirtless” and “Argyle” in the stars, LOL might wanna wait until the weather is a bit better before getting wild on the side street there!
Aquarius: The spookiest part of doing this column is when I get to Aquarius. Because I’m an Aquarius! So sometimes I just can’t look at it, like now! LOL how can you live normally when you know the future?!
Pisces: I hope you’re more relaxed about knowing the future, because yours is awesome so it’s all good. School will be good, your finances are okay, the ol’ love life is rockin’; how do you do it? Bye!