Hi okay OMG did you see last issue where I was put at the bottom of the page? Is that because you’ve all been complaining about me? Um if anyone likes me please email The Next-Us or whatever this website is called and let them know!
Aries: So did you use the duct tape like I predicted last time around? Totes predicting the future over here. In yours this time around I see garlic, unicorns, and patches of grass that are both sunny and shady?! What does that mean LOL let me know please.
Taurus: So! Did you buy lotto tickets? I didn’t, I haven’t since the ’80s and Lotto 649, which would come on at 6:49 during a commercial break in the news or something. And you could watch those balls bouncing around in that big circle thing which seemed inconsequential but um hello totally CHANGED MY LIFE. Buy another freakin’ lotto ticket this week, we’re on a roll.
Gemini: So… your secret is safe with me. LOL AND THE ENTIRE COSMOS.
Cancer: Cancer, OMG, I just called you “Cencer”! I have a very hard time writing sometimes because there’s so much going on around me but anyway, Cencer (LOL), avoid crowdsurfing, crowdfunding, and crowds in general for the next couple of weeks, K?
Leo: Hi! You’ve been rolling along and things have been going smoothly lately, haven’t they? That’s about to change, but it’s all good so embrace the chaos. Like I do every day: I’m sitting in the middle of Hillside as I write this! Cars are totes honking LOL.
Virgo: Hi Virgo, umm… if you see me sitting in the road anytime can you come rescue me LOL sometimes I get stuck. Thanks and in exchange for that, I’ll tell you this: your lucky colour is beige (weird!), your lucky word is “and” (there are totally lucky words, most people don’t know that though), and your lucky astrologist is River!
Libra: Still partying? Good!
Scorpio: I hope you watched out for the colour blue and snakes last time! This time around I’m getting that you need to watch out for the colour blue and sna… wait a minute, it’s the same! What are you doing over there? LOL!
Sagittarius: I totes cut back on the caffeine because my doctor told me to, and that’s why I don’t believe in medical doctors (EVER HEAR OF BIG PHARMA??). He’s just trying to make me subdued so I won’t start the cosmos revolution! But, Sagittarius, listen to me and listen closely: we’re going to start the cosmos revolution.
Capricorn: So last time I pointed out that you shouldn’t do weird things on quiet side streets that involve you not being fully clothed. I hope you listened to me. Now, this is confusing, but bear with me… now you should embrace that, and go do weird things on quiet side streets and not be fully clothed. The time is now! (But stay off the neighbours’ lawns, rude-y!)
Aquarius: Hi, did I ever tell you that I’m Aquarius? I have? Okay LOL then why aren’t we hanging out like all the time? I’d say email me but I don’t have email so just hope for the best and River will appear!
Pisces: How does it feel to always be at the end? Must be a drag ‘cuz I’m too tired out now to look at your future. Don’t blame me, blame my doctor. And BIG PHARMA!