OMG I got my first fan letter the other day OMG OMG OMG thank you for reading I hope your future is great! Oh wait, I know your future and, well, it’s so-soÉ but you’re still awesome! Totes thanks for reading!
For the rest of you, hi! I’m River and I can see the future!@ LOL what is that “a” with the circle around it?
Umm so I think next issue might be my last column for the Nexxis or whatever this website is called. Totally got called off on a spiritual journey with a real-life guru!
Maybe someone wants to continue doing astrology in my absence? That means “when I’m gone”… this is tough. But I’m sure someone can do it. Email the paper!
Aries: Hi Aries! Last time we talked about unicorns which was weird although I found out a while ago that unicorns are real someone told me and I was like OMG. So did you see a unicorn??
Taurus: I’m going to stop telling you to buy lotto tickets now but I hope you won big. The other day I was waiting in line at the drug store, LOL not buying drugs, and the lady in front of me was checking all these lotto tickets and I was just like hurry up LOL! Oh wow, was that you?
Gemini: Wow I totally just blacked out sitting here because sometimes I see all these stars in front of my eyes and I just roll with it but wow I saw something in your future. It was gum. Or gomme. Is that French? Do you eat erasers? What’s going on?
Cancer: Hi! My name is River and I’ll tell you your future. Oh, you know that? LOL don’t sit on seats for the next couple weeks, k? Just find a way.
Leo: I’m sitting in the middle of Hillside again because it’s the only way I can get Leo readings sometimes. And yours is great this time. Totes NOT TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS THOUGH!
Virgo: So… last week (or does this website come out every day? I get confused.) I talked about big pharma. OMG I don’t want to you alarm you but after that issue came out the guy at the pharmacy I go to totally gave me a weird look. Like, weird! Someone said it might have been because of my Dr. Seuss hat, but no way!
Libra: No way!
Scorpio: Hey, Scorpio. Ever see that movie Serpico with Anne Pacino? I haven’t. What am I, 80? LOL.
Sagittarius:
Capricorn:
Aquarius: LOL sorry I totally went on a journey there and I missed some of you. And I think I’m going again…
Pisces: