LOL so ummm I thought the three-hour classes were over but now there’s another semester of them? OMG this is going to turn me into SUPER RIVER! JK here are your fortunes.
Ummm and before we get into them someone was asking about how I come up with these, or at least I was daydreaming someone was, and so I thought I’d tell you.
It has a little something to do with the cosmos and a little something to do with Lansdowne campus and a little something to do with sitting on Hillside Avenue meditating. It just comes to me, once the sky has opened and the sun is smiling at me and, this is key, once I am in my receptive place. So, I hope you’re in yours because I’m seriously about to give you some heavy stuff to recept!
Aries: Hello Aries! How does it feel to always be first? Like way better than Pisces who is always down there at the bottom being weird. LOL anyway you gotta watch out for sunscreen because a guy told me some real serious stuff about mind control that I can’t really repeat but ummm yeah just stay away from that stuff this summer, k?
Taurus: Watch out for grapefruits, which is fine because they’re kinda gross if we’re being honest.
Gemini: Hi Gemini! Let’s see, I’m not getting much for you this time. Last time I warned you about little mustached monkeys. Hope you didn’t get in any tangles with any! This time I’m getting something kinda foggy about… fog? What?
Cancer: So, let’s get this right, the cosmos is telling me your lucky numbers are 3, 9, and 11, which sounds like one of my combination lock codes! LOL. Don’t break in to my locker! Or, do. Who am I to argue the cosmos?
Leo: So, just FYI, Lee the Leo is out of the picture again. Umm it’s a long story involving mustached monkeys and all kinds of weird things that I keep warning people about. And, Lee’s a jerk. So, avoid HIM! LOL.
Virgo: Virgo, Virgo, Virgo… what do I have for you? Avoid extra virgin olive oil because no one knows what that means anyway and it’s probably more expensive. Hmm, weird fortune, but might save you a few bucks. Cool!
Libra: Hey, I hope you went camping like I told you to last time. Now, this time around you need to go to… Arizona? Hmm, I’m sure getting some weird messages from the cosmos today! Anyway, better book your ticket now.
Scorpio: Oh, wait, Libra, you still there? Cosmos is saying “Duncan,” not “Arizona.” Oops. That’s weird. Anyway, hope they see that, and anyway, hi, Scorpio! I hope you’re sticking around for the fall semester because I know you read this every issue and I think it’s high time we hang. This time around red is good, blue is bad, rhinos are good, basketballs are bad. LOL whatever! Good luck with that.
Sagittarius: Hi, everything is really hazy and weird today, I think it’s these long classes and then all my extra jobs like writing this every issue which ummm if someone else wants to take over for September I can totally teach you how to do it. Do you want to? I trust you more than most and I think you know why.
Capricorn: Hi! So, I saw you in the supermarket the other night and umm the cosmos says smarten up with those junk foods. And by that, I mean eat more of them, I love that stuff! LOL. Oh, and I’m getting this, let me know if you know what it means: “The grass wasn’t there before.” LOL weird!
Aquarius: Fine, no more Aquarius get-togethers for us then.
Pisces: Alright, I’ve been giving you a hard time for a while now, so here’s a real fortune, beamed straight down from the cosmos. It says “Straighten the eight-back, all walls have been felt. There are umgorg to the pencils, and pictures to the smelt.” LOL umgorg?
Ummm hi it’s me River still! LOL I have a lot of space this time around. My boss wanted me to ask you something, not sure what he means by this, but he wanted me to mention that if anyone wants to do a horoscope column for September this one might be open, so to get in touch with the paper ASAP about that.
Funny he is saying that because I’m not going anywhere LOL! Oh, the same boss just emailed me and said we need to talk! Cool LOL see you next time!