Dearest Reader,
Doubtless it is of great concern to you, as it is to myself, that Camosun College finds itself making a foray into another semester while sorely lacking any form of dress code, insofar as such a thing might be both mandated and practiced in a unilateral fashion.
Your relief will then be palpable that I am to assuage such copious omission with a fresh proposal, and to do so in a fashion which befits the rational and unbiased standard with which we must approach such a controversial subject.
In keeping with the forward-thinking nature of the college’s new sexual-harassment policy, it’s perhaps judicious to draw the bulk of attention to the garb of women. This is traditionally found the least agreeable element of any dress code to the proponents of both logical extremes, from they who call for the female to wear whatever she wishes to those who demand with equal vehemence that she remain modest, lest a distracting shoulder blade be revealed to titillate an unsuspecting innocent man.
In deference to the oft-touted virtue of fairness to both parties, I propose that all women be directed to wear potato sacks, whose rugged and comfortable burlap construction will be found both affordable and of aid in concealing the modesty of both legs and abdominal regions. Conversely, a lack of sleeves will ensure the undiluted freedom of women’s shoulders to parade openly at will, which, so far as I am able to glean, would satisfy the root purpose of the former argument.
Those who find themselves fired by the boldness of my plan are directed to read the article in its entirety upon its inevitable acceptance and codification within the campus rules.
Other inclusions are the ordinances that men must henceforth wear hijabs that cover the entirety of the face, so that the fairer sex might be spared his verbal immodesty, and that engineering students dress in Star Trek uniforms for easy identification.
It was written in better days that “he who rejects change is the architect of decay.” I possess the utmost faith in the body of students that decay will be disallowed, and that the adherence to logical argument contrary to all immediate emotional instinct will be observed wherever such issues arise.