Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Dearest Reader: A proposal: Valentine’s day is a grand opportunity

February 1, 2017 by Aaron Stefik, contributing writer

Dearest Reader,

To your most assured awareness, that so-talked-about festival of Valentine’s Day is again nearly upon us.

Rarely has there been a holiday which has come to be reckoned so unpleasant and so widely and vastly despised in the young people of our nation as this one. The burden of lonesomeness that plagues they who are either spurned by potential lovers or elsewise left to fend for themselves on the cold streets while starry-eyed couples fawn over one another in passing and in constancy is—you must agree, dearest reader—amongst the grandest and most rightfully embittering in our society.

Dearest Reader is a satire column appearing in every issue of Nexus.

In my usual fashion of ingenuity, I have conceived of a manner in which this otherwise divisive and gruelling trial of a holiday may be turned not only to the benefit of the forlorn individual, but to that of the college as well.

It often being deduced among students that tuition fees remain in excess of necessity, the copious unspent remainder of that sum should first be turned toward the subsidization of a student dating program, wherein the most tormented unfortunates the campuses have to offer may be blended amongst one another and encouraged to go about their biological duties. Within a mere handful of years, the resultant format might easily be converted to a veritable student breeding program, and thus a new crop of potential Camosun alumni raised every year from the loins of the current population.

This being accomplished, all other expensive and wasteful endeavours in service of supplementing the college’s populace semester by semester, such as community advertisement and the entirety of the international student program, might be curtailed, the capacity of the student body being thus manufactured domestically.

Let it be assured, in sum, that wherever social holidays have lost their relevance in a culture of pervasive loneliness, such celebrations may yet always be turned to sensible and pragmatic ends. Wherever the heart of the wayward individual has been made cold to the prospect of love and of comfort, rationality provides.

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