Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Dearest Reader: A Proposal: Victoria retirement community must rebrand itself

September 5, 2017 by Aaron Stefik, contributing writer

Dearest Reader,

If our fair city is not a claimant to the title of Jewel of the Pacific Northwest, that having long been vested on one among our southern neighbours, it is at least a golden flourish on the crown. And in the realms of well-worn tourist entertainment, housing market value, and a populace that lacks housing entirely, we have few equals.

It is little wonder that countless venerable men and women have chosen, after a lifetime of hard service, to settle down in our glorious retirement community. The public concern resultant of this has long been that the grey-haired denizens of the island outnumber their younger counterparts, who now speak not infrequently of fleeing to more urban centres than our own in search of employment and living space.

Dearest Reader is a satire column appearing in every issue of Nexus.

My friend, we stand betrayed. While we have grown accustomed and resigned to a market which caters only to the oldest of the species, they have grown prosperous and fat on the labour of our backs, even as we are saddled with the blames and burdens of economic dearth. Let us not be made cynical, or allow ourselves to be driven from the shores of this great island, but instead, to resist.

All municipal citizens over the age of 65, at which time they are wont to burden us and hinder the growth of the next generation, are to be placed on ice floes and set adrift in the inner harbour.

Some may object heartily to this plan on admittedly self-evident grounds. Rest assured, masses of floating harbour refuse lashed together with strong cord will substitute acceptably for ice in this instance. Better still, the marina’s seal population, which has suffered greatly due to a dependency on the tourist-supplied fish in wake of the feeding ban, will benefit enormously from this fresh source of sustenance.

The road to reclamation will be long and arduous, but should we prove equal to the task, we might once again consider ourselves the dignified counterpoint of Seattle and Portland.

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