Thursday, July 18, 2019

April 1 exclusive: Camosun College Student Society adopts motion to be more scandalous

April 1, 2019 by Craig Splatt, editor-in-chief

The Camosun College Student Society (CCSS) recently adopted a motion to become more scandalous. This comes after years of the student society having a perfectly scandal-free record and also after, apparently, getting inspiration from another student society.

“Man, you see what happened out east?” says CCSS executive director Michelle Turnbuckle. “Hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on booze and in rec rooms at arcades? I mean, what have we done that’s scandalous recently? Even in the past 10 years? Nothing. It’s really upsetting that we’re not keeping up with our comrades out east, so that’s going to change.”

Turnbuckle says that some potential ideas involve ice cream and golf carts, but he wouldn’t reveal more.

“Look, I’m not letting another student union take our ideas. We’re going to scandalize the hell out of those things, though.”

Hey, it’s April 1! (File photo.)

Turnbuckle says when the student society gets scandalous, everyone wins.

“I mean, not to point fingers at anyone, but a certain student newspaper sure has slow news weeks sometimes,” says Turnbuckle, lighting a copy of Nexus on fire as he speaks. “Another story about the college implementing a potential policy? How about a story about this?” he says, continuing to burn copies of Nexus.

Third-year Political Science student Percy Perciville says that he isn’t intimately familiar with the student society, but says that he’d love to see more scandals.

“We have a student society? And who are you? The Camosun Nexus? Never heard of it,” he says. “But, yeah, some more action around here would be nice. These student funds aren’t going to misallocate themselves.”

When asked when the CCSS plans to start getting scandalous, Turnbuckle says that they already have.

“Those student-organization fees we collected last month? Show me where they are now! National organization, provincial organization, who knows? Actually, I have no idea about those,” he says, collecting the ashes of the burned copies of Nexus to send off to sea, and staring off into the distance. He methodically turns over a piece of ash with his bare hands. “No one has any idea.”

Turnbuckle says that with the adoption of this recent motion, the CCSS is turning over a new leaf.

“We’re shedding this do-good image in order to keep up with the standard now being set out east,” he says, throwing a Nexus newspaper stand off the walkway connecting Fisher and Ewing, narrowly missing his colleague, CCSS student services director Michel Clover, who looks up and laughs. “And we won’t stop until we do something at least remotely scandalous. I mean, you saw how there was a stapler earlier in the hallway of Young? Now there’s not? I’m not saying we did that, but I am saying that things are about to change around here. Now, where’s the nearest arcade rec room?”

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