Are you a real man? A real man would know exactly what to say to start this article off strong. Are you man enough to read it all in one sitting, or are you going to sissy out and play on your phone? Maybe you’re not a man at all, or maybe you identify as one but no one else knows. Maybe you find the taunting tone of this introduction to be insipid, instigating, infuriatingly inconsiderate or indefatigably insulting. If I’ve offended you, that’s too bad because real men never apologize. If you feel hurt by what you’ve read, keep it to yourself because real men don’t cry. Why, being a real man sounds so joyful, who wouldn’t want to be one?
Discussions on the topic of masculinity can be hard, but that’s okay because men are supposed to be hard. It can be dangerous, difficult, dark, and dirty, just like a man is supposed to be.
Of course, if you’re like me, this was your idea of manhood for most of your life. Men are strong, silent, and hard-working, or else. Real men fall in line and fit into their box, the expectations that society has for them, even if we must twist our bodies, break our toes, our limbs, or even our hearts to fit in. A real man will do whatever it takes.
If you ask 10 different men what it means to be a man, you may get 10 different answers. If you go back in time and ask men from many different periods what it means to be a man, you will most certainly get 10,000 different answers. Masculinity has changed considerably over the ages, and it may surprise you how it used to look compared to now. That’s what we are going to do: talk about masculinity in all its many facets, the good, the bad, the toxic, the patriarchal, and the hegemonic. Are you ready to open your mind to a different perspective? Or should I say, are you man enough to do so?
First, let’s start with the question: what is masculinity? Agreeing on a definition is challenging, as so many different ideas of what constitutes masculinity are out there. Is it just being a male? Can women be masculine? What about trans people, lesbians, queer folks? Where do they fit into this paradigm?
Let’s start with something that just about every side can agree on: masculinity isn’t just about being male, it’s a temperament, a way of presenting, and a social phenomenon that people relate to in a variety of ways. It’s said that all people have a masculine and feminine side, and one is usually more prominent than the other. This is a rather simplistic way of viewing the situation, but it offers a workable starting point for further pontification. What exactly does this look like in real life? How can we tell which side is more prominent in a given person? This gets even more complicated when we zoom out and take a global perspective.
Masculinity can look quite different depending on where exactly you are in the world. In the modern West, men are expected to be socially dominant, extroverted, confident, and fearless. We are expected to be the one to ask a girl out, regardless of how shy or afraid we may be. Things are somewhat different however, across the Pacific Ocean. In Japan, men are expected to be quiet, reserved, and not show emotion. In relationships, women are expected to make the first move.
One way to view masculinity is that it’s a prescription for how males are supposed to dress, act, and present themselves in the world. Problems arise, however, when one goes searching for which flavour of masculinity to embody and one sees the immense variety of options on the table. The internet has gathered ways of being masculine from every corner of the world and brought them all together for people to see.
While searching the internet, one may encounter a phenomenon known as the “manosphere.” This is a collection of ideas, influencers, and slogans that have gathered a frightening amount of support and followers. The people in these spaces encourage men to become rich and powerful, to have many shallow encounters with women, and to develop a paranoid and pathological self-reliance. It’s hard to overstate just how incredibly popular these ideas have become.
In this online environment, men are divided into alpha and beta males. Alpha males, as a character, make lots of money, drive nice cars, date lots of women (often at the same time) and are treated as the ultimate aspiration for men. Beta males are considered weak, submissive, easily taken advantage of, outcompeted, defeated, and humiliated. Alphas, then, have the first pick of whatever they want, while the betas must make do with what’s left. This environment promises to be the solution to a man’s problems, however, the images of male exemplars in this space are anything but healthy.
Masculine images in the media can be quite contradictory. For example, manly heroes are often portrayed as heavy drinkers and smokers. How can a man be strong and in control when he routinely imbibes substances that weaken his body and destroy his mind? Is it simply a coincidence that peak masculinity is often idealized in a fictional character? Perhaps it’s because these lofty ideas of manhood are in fact fantastical and unreachable. These images and the messaging that accompanies them are designed to keep men pliable and suggestible so that they can be manipulated into serving causes not their own, by systems that will use them and discard them.
Hegemonic masculinity is the association of manhood with the accumulation of power, money, and status, almost always at the expense of women, nonbinary, and minority men. These systems often require droves of men to sacrifice themselves in various ways to preserve and reinforce the hierarchy and to generate more wealth and success for the leaders and owners who sit at the top of these systems. The end result is that all other demographics are treated as worthless, and men as disposable. A man who is separated from his feelings and brainwashed to accept rigid and inflexible ideas will make for a more vicious killer, a quieter worker, or whatever the system needs him to be at that particular time.
Modern humans have been around for approximately 200,000 years, yet those who are not men have long been held down and out of power, money, choice, and in many cases for women, anywhere but the home. Modern men have seen women’s position in society improve substantially. We must remind ourselves and each other that a woman’s gain is not a man’s loss.
Indeed we are all victims to this cruel system of domination; it is selective in its definitions. Non-heterosexual men have been ruthlessly excluded and oppressed throughout human history. These men have been forced to hide their sexuality, to marry and reproduce with people whom they are not attracted to, being charged with crimes and thrown in prison, or even been murdered. Men are encouraged to suppress our feelings and soldier on, regardless of how hard things are. Proponents of this will say that life is incredibly difficult, and so men must be tough or they won’t survive. If this is true, then what about women? Life is hard for everyone, so how do those who identify otherwise survive, by being tough and emotionless like men?
If masculinity does not come naturally to someone, then perhaps they can buy it instead. Blue jeans, leather jackets, motorcycles, cigarettes, alcohol, guns, and fast cars are all staples of manhood in the West. You aren’t a real man unless you buy these items, these brands, and live a certain lifestyle. Once you acquire these things, something else inevitably pops up, and, like the horizon itself, once you reach it, there’s always something new and shiny coming from the other side of the next hill. If mother nature can’t give it to us, maybe capitalism can sell it to us.
Rigid ideas of manliness from the past separate us from our emotions and our spirit, creating a void inside us that we will pay any price to fill. Many men in the West report being miserable, depressed, and lonely, despite living lives of abundance that our progenitors could hardly even imagine. Wealth and prosperity are climbing ever higher, as are rates of self-harm and suicide. Society tells us that if we just get this one more thing, we’ll be happy, so why is it never enough?
The answer is quite simple: because a complete and happy person is not a returning customer. By portraying masculinity as something that one must strive for instead of something one has innately to their character, we will always be searching for it outside of ourselves, and we are sure to run into countless would-be merchants of meaning and happiness, always ready to sell you what they have deceived you into thinking you need in order to be happy.
Men are brought up to suppress our emotions, ostensibly so they don’t get in the way of the work we have to do. We are taught that being tough and reliable is more important than being happy and healthy. Instead of making us tough, this approach often results in a stifled personality, intense mental-health problems, and a state of emotional illiteracy that borders on alexithymia. As men, we pride ourselves on our ability to overcome challenges and succeed no matter the odds. What glory, then, is to be had in running from emotional pain and hiding from one’s feelings? When put this way, it doesn’t sound very manly, does it?
The systems of power that elevate conventional manhood and brutalize women and minorities are also destructive to men. We all suffer under these systems. Heaven forbid you’re simply a man who doesn’t have money, connections, family, or luck on your side. These men have been saddled with lives of drudgery, misery, and endless work obligations that destroy them. The system is a dream when you’re on top, but for billions of people, that dream is a nightmare.
In keeping with the spirit of emotional awareness, let me ask you: how did this article make you feel? Do you agree wholeheartedly with every word, or are you seething with rage and disgust? The amazing thing about feelings is that they are neither right nor wrong, they are simply there for you to experience. Either way, I would encourage you to pay close attention to how these feelings affect you and to sit with them for a while. If you feel something, anything, about what you’ve just read then I’ve succeeded in my mission.
We’ve pondered at length about what masculinity may look like now, and how it has changed through time, but what should masculinity look like going forward? If you had to design the modern man completely from scratch, what would he look like and how would he act? Would he share his strength and virtues with the world in a way that benefits all? Would he support and look after the people around him in ways that empower them and cultivate their growth? Would he turn his competitive urges toward solving the many crises that threaten the world instead of hoarding life’s bounty for himself? If the answer is yes, then this is a man that I would be proud to call a friend, and a man I would happily stand shoulder to shoulder with against any threat or challenge.