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HURT FOR THE HOLIDAYS<\/strong><\/p>\n Camosun psychology instructor David Reagan says that the holidays are an emotional time for people, which is part of the reason why they can be so difficult for some, and different for everyone.<\/p>\n \u201cThe holidays bring up a lot of emotions, a lot of memories,\u201d he says. \u201cEach situation is just so unique. As you get closer to Christmas there is a whole societal expectation that Christmas is going to be very special. By early-to-mid-December it becomes quite an emotionally charged time for all of us.\u201d<\/p>\n He says that the expectations that individuals feel upset about are often self-imposed.<\/p>\n \u201cSome college students feel very inadequate because they wish they had more to give,\u201d says Reagan, giving time and money as specific examples. \u201cBut, in fact, that is self-imposed and not the expectation of others.\u201d<\/p>\n Reagan recommends three general tactics to apply to stressful holiday situations. The first is to try to frame everything in a positive way. Secondly, anticipate that it might be a challenging time. And always set realistic expectations and realize there is help available.<\/p>\n For any family, a break in routine or shift in tradition seems inevitable. As time passes, families age, downsize, upsize, splinter, or rewire. There are so many events that impact and shift the course of how a family behaves together. Each family has its own unique existence, but the common human experience is the growth, the changes they experience together.<\/p>\n Camosun environmental technology student Brianne Smith is an example of someone who was able to take a difficult time in her youth and overcome it.<\/p>\n \u201cThe biggest issue with my family is that there was a divorce between my parents,\u201d she says. \u201cI was 16. That\u2019s when the Christmases got weird.\u201d<\/p>\n Smith says the divorce was hard on her family, even outside of holidays. \u201cIf a family isn\u2019t perfect and you have that expectation of wanting it to be, then emotions of disappointment, sadness, and maybe anger towards the reason why are going to be pretty close to the surface,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n One of the things that got her through the holidays was finding ways to make the best of the situation. By not forcing the old traditions and expectations, her family found new ways to enjoy the holidays in their new arrangement.<\/p>\n \u201cAll of us need to learn a variety of coping skills,\u201d says Camosun psychology instructor Bill Wong. \u201cLike a toolbox – you want to have a range of tools to approach the variety of issues. It becomes a problem when people don\u2019t match the coping strategy to the stressor. What you want to do is analyze all the stuff you need to do, and generate as many solutions as possible.\u201d<\/p>\n Wong says to identify all the items or tasks and rank them by difficulty and how much time they will consume. \u201cManage the stressor,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Reagan is familiar with the expectation around the holidays to be a happy time. He says that images that are shown on TV and in movies are unrealistic and not the reality for most people.<\/p>\n \u201cIf people aren\u2019t living up to that image, they often get very unhappy and very dissatisfied with themselves, so that can become an issue,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Reagan says that one of the things he teaches is how to step away from that place of overwhelming emotion and how to focus on something different.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you\u2019re at a family dinner and you\u2019re anticipating somebody saying something harsh or critical or difficult, before you respond there is great wisdom of just counting to 10 and saying, \u2018Do I really need to respond to that?\u2019 or, \u2018I knew that was going to come up and I\u2019m just not going to engage.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n A CAMOSUN CHRISTMAS STORY<\/strong><\/p>\n Indigenous studies student Lorri Leonard\u2019s holiday memories start in Seattle, when it was just her mom, her brother, and her.<\/p>\n \u201cMy mom loved Christmas,\u201d she says. \u201cShe would work really hard and make everything for us and it was always really great.\u201d<\/p>\n Leonard says everything changed when her older brother entered his teenage years. The holidays became stressful and disappointing as his focus became more materialistic and less family oriented.<\/p>\n One year, Leonard saved all her money to buy him art supplies, but his reaction wasn\u2019t as she had hoped.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen he opened it, it was just sheer disappointment,\u201d she says. \u201cHe was just like, \u2018Oh, yeah, great,\u2019 and shoved it to the side.\u201d<\/p>\n The family found out later that he suffered from depression and they dealt with it together for many years. Leonard says Christmas time became a negative thing in their household.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was such a stress with his mood and his depression,\u201d she says. \u201cIt was hard watching how sad it made my mom, and I would just be angry and it was miserable.\u201d<\/p>\n When they were older, Leonard and her brother would return to the family home for the holidays. She says the holiday wasn\u2019t family-oriented anymore, and that there were fights and chaos. Her brother would visit friends, she would go to a movie, and her mother would sit at home with company.<\/p>\n Eventually Leonard moved to Victoria and tried her hand at hosting the holiday. Christmas music, food, friends, and gathering was all that she wanted. But it wasn\u2019t to be.<\/p>\n \u201cAgain, it didn\u2019t work well,\u201d she says. \u201cThey came up here and I\u2019d try to install my rules. It would be ruined because my brother hated it so much that sometimes he would just get drunk. It wasn\u2019t fun.\u201d<\/p>\n Her brother passed away in 1999; Leonard will always remember Christmas that year.<\/p>\n \u201cI knew it was going to be weird for me,\u201d she says. \u201cYou take the little things for granted. Even though he hated it and it was such a battle, he was always there. He was like a little Eeyore cloud. It\u2019s funny, it was like we anticipated and looked forward to that fight, that disaster, and sitting down to eat a meal while we\u2019re growling and in turmoil.\u201d<\/p>\n She went back to Seattle that year. \u201cI remember thinking, \u2018Oh my god, he\u2019s not going to be here,\u2019\u201d she says.<\/p>\n When she got to her mom\u2019s house she went into the room her mother had set up for her and saw a journal on the pillow: her Christmas journal<\/p>\n \u201cIt was so cute because I wrote. and I wrote. and I put it under the pillow and actually fell asleep. It\u2019s like a letter to Santa,\u201d she says. But instead of writing to Santa, she wrote to her brother.<\/p>\n \u201cLoss takes a part of people you know and you never get that part of them back,\u201d she says of her mother. \u201cI felt really angry about that for a long time. She never will be that mom again. but I\u2019m seeing and watching a new beautiful part of my mom grow back.\u201d<\/p>\n Leonard is married now, and has a child of her own to share Christmas with. \u201cI want it to be magical like every kid should have it,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n She remembers walking with her son and husband into her parents\u2019 home in Seattle for the first time. \u201cIt was like walking into the most beautiful Christmas palace ever,\u201d she says. \u201cMy mom even had things up that my brother and I had made as little kids.\u201d<\/p>\n Her mother involved them with crafts and other things, and they sat up late talking, taking stock of the tacky ornaments. \u201cWe were drinking hot cocoa and laughing,\u201d she says. \u201cEver since then it\u2019s been that way.\u201d<\/p>\n Leonard mentions a new tradition she now shares with only her mother. \u201cIt sounds kind of warped, but on Christmas eve, my mom and I will go and get one of those little ornamental trees and decorate it,\u201d she says. \u201cWe go as far as getting those little battery-operated LED lights and we take the tree down to my brother\u2019s plot,\u201d she says. \u201cHer and I have our little cry and our moment; then we rub it into him and he has no choice but to put up with the Christmas cheer. Then we go back home.\u201d<\/p>\n Leonard still writes in her Christmas journal to her brother, updating him on everything that has happened over the year. \u201cIt\u2019s gone from being one of my worst holidays to… I get all giddy,\u201d she says. \u201cI get excited again. It\u2019s become very positive again.\u201d<\/p>\n THE MOMENT OF CHOICE<\/strong><\/p>\n Camosun\u2019s Reagan says the emotional essence of the holidays is what makes it very difficult for people going through transitions during the holidays. He says to anticipate the emotional pain that comes with loss.<\/p>\n Reagan says that the first Christmas after there\u2019s been a family loss – whether it\u2019s a parent or significant other, or even the breakup of a long-term relationship – can be a very tumultuous time for all involved.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s hard,\u201d he says. \u201cYou just have to admit it\u2019s hard. There is no way to sugarcoat it.\u201d<\/p>\n Reagan recommends making the best of a situation and counting your blessings in order to move in a positive direction. But, at the end of the day, how we deal with our unique situations comes down to the individual.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s just this huge moment of choice,\u201d Reagan says. \u201cHalf of that is just knowing that choice exists.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As any student knows, it can be tough navigating the upcoming holiday season of marketing, family time, and festivities. Despite tired brain cells and weakened bank balances, the odds are good that students will bounce back from exams and be able jump into the holiday spirit. Still, while the holidays are great for some, this […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":1803,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10,46],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1743","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-features","category-december-7-2011"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1743","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1743"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1743\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1809,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1743\/revisions\/1809"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1803"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1743"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1743"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1743"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}