{"id":20289,"date":"2020-12-03T09:00:49","date_gmt":"2020-12-03T17:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/?p=20289"},"modified":"2020-12-04T09:16:43","modified_gmt":"2020-12-04T17:16:43","slug":"freedom-from-addiction-addiction-and-music","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2020\/12\/03\/freedom-from-addiction-addiction-and-music\/","title":{"rendered":"Freedom from Addiction<\/em>: Addiction and music"},"content":{"rendered":"

I started learning the guitar when I was 17; by 19, I was playing and singing my songs at open mics. I was beside myself with stage fright most of the time, even though I was routinely told that I was very good, and to not stop\u2014fame awaited me! Despite the validation and encouragement, I basically hated performing because I got so nervous. My main strategy for this dilemma was to drink.<\/p>\n

I started thinking of Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix, musicians who died drug-related deaths. I felt I understood: it was so much easier to play for others when I was using alcohol or certain drugs. But I didn\u2019t want my music to depend on such things. Eventually I stopped performing altogether because I wanted to stop drinking. I stopped playing music publicly for a few years, disappointing others as well as myself.<\/p>\n

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Freedom from Addiction<\/em> is a column exploring issues relating to addiction (graphic by bestdesigns).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I continued to play in private, and nurtured a rich fantasy life of becoming an international superstar with the respect and admiration of countless others, and many adoring male fans. Fantasy is a favourite for many sex and love addicts, and for addicts in general. The future holds all promise of liberation, happiness, and success! Or so we tend to think.<\/p>\n

Eventually\u2014and it took some time\u2014I realized that if I could not play small shows, I could not play for a stadium of people. It was time to get back to work. I started booking my own shows and getting paid to play.<\/p>\n

Gradually, my performance anxiety faded somewhat, and my confidence grew, slowly. After some time, however, I began to see that my music, although no longer dependant on substances, was enmeshed with my addiction to sex, men, and validation. When I entered recovery for a serious addiction to sex and unhealthy relationships, I could no longer write music. The inspiration, it seemed, was gone. For the most part, I stopped writing new material. When COVID-19 struck the world, I stopped performing altogether, so I\u2019ve had some time to reflect on my identity as a musician and as a recovering addict.<\/p>\n

I wonder at art and addiction so often seeming to be inextricably linked. I wonder how to continue to feel inspired to play and write without the ups and downs of romance\u2014commonly a fertile ground for creating music for many musicians. For these questions, I have no definitive answers.<\/p>\n

Some things are clear enough, however. My recovery from addiction is my priority, because I know that true well-being is impossible without it. I only need to look to icons like Kurt Cobain and Chris Cornell, who both attained incredible success in music and whose lives ended tragically in suicide, to see that a person can have apparently everything, but it\u2019s not enough if they do not feel okay inside.<\/p>\n

For now, when I pick up my beloved instrument and sing a song, I will do so with as much presence as I can, free from ulterior motives, and try to be at one with the art form that I have had such a long and complicated relationship with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I started learning the guitar when I was 17; by 19, I was playing and singing my songs at open mics. I was beside myself with stage fright most of the time, even though I was routinely told that I was very good, and to not stop\u2014fame awaited me! Despite the validation and encouragement, I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":19487,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-20289","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-columns","category-webexclusive"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20289","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=20289"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20289\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":20290,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/20289\/revisions\/20290"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19487"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=20289"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=20289"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=20289"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}