{"id":25370,"date":"2024-04-01T08:00:39","date_gmt":"2024-04-01T15:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/?p=25370"},"modified":"2026-03-02T13:06:42","modified_gmt":"2026-03-02T21:06:42","slug":"april-1-2024-exclusive-news-briefs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2024\/04\/01\/april-1-2024-exclusive-news-briefs\/","title":{"rendered":"April 1, 2024 exclusive News Briefs<\/em>"},"content":{"rendered":"

Camosun College announces it \u201cwon’t even\u201d next time snow falls<\/b><\/p>\n

After facing endless scrutiny over closing mid-day last time there was a snowfall, but knowing it would face an exact even amount of scrutiny if it didn’t open\u2014or stayed open\u2014Camosun College recently announced that it \u201cwon’t even\u201d next time there’s a snowfall. When pressed for further details, a spokesperson for the college declined, just repeating, \u201cwe won’t even,\u201d shaking his head solemnly, and walking away.<\/p>\n

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It’s April 1 (file photo).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Camosun College Student Society to just start throwing loaves of bread at students’ faces<\/b><\/p>\n

Convinced it’s still not doing enough for students who are facing food insecurity, the Camosun College Student Society (CCSS) board voted at a recent meeting to walk around campus and just throw loaves of bread at students’ faces. \u201cWe have bread, you need bread, take the damn bread,\u201d said CCSS external director Michelle Turnbuckle, before screaming \u201cheads-up!\u201d and overhanding a sourdough at a puzzled student’s head. \u201cIf this is what we have to do, this is what we have to do. Heads-up!\u201d Student Samantha Smith was puzzled, probably concussed, but happy. \u201cBeats paying $8 for a loaf at the store!\u201d said Smith, before taking a quick nap in the Fisher foyer. The CCSS recently announced that their next campaign will involve frozen meals, much to the terror of students across campus.<\/p>\n

\u201cAlaska was working undercover\u201d: source<\/b><\/p>\n

After much investigative journalism, Nexus<\/i> has discovered that Alaska, the neighbourhood tabby cat who frequently visits Camosun’s Lansdowne campus, has been working undercover as a vape peddler this whole time. The fluffy tabby quickly won the hearts of Camosun students, but little did most know she was also working the system. Imbedded in her fur at any given time are roughly 50 vapes of various flavours and nicotine strengths, begging the question: did students ever really love Alaska’s presence or were they addicted to it? \u201cShe has an excellent nose,\u201d said a vape shop owner who requested to stay anonymous. \u201cShe often visits the college to sniff the vape clouds then reports back the flavour of the month so we know what the kids are after.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nicolas Ihmels admits that he never liked movies <\/b><\/p>\n

In a bombshell plot twist, Nexus<\/i> staff writer Nicolas Ihmels admitted on his last day of work for the paper that he in fact \u201ccan’t stand\u201d movies and didn’t watch a single one that he reviewed over the past several years working at Nexus<\/i>. \u201cI don’t know, it just seemed like a funny thing to do,\u201d said Ihmels, shrugging his shoulders while tossing a Citizen Kane <\/i>DVD in the trash. \u201cIt was all a long-game prank. Cue end credits,\u201d said Ihmels as he walked off into the sunset.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Camosun College announces it \u201cwon’t even\u201d next time snow falls After facing endless scrutiny over closing mid-day last time there was a snowfall, but knowing it would face an exact even amount of scrutiny if it didn’t open\u2014or stayed open\u2014Camosun College recently announced that it \u201cwon’t even\u201d next time there’s a snowfall. When pressed for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3169,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25370","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humour","category-webexclusive"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25370","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25370"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25370\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":27967,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25370\/revisions\/27967"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3169"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25370"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25370"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25370"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}