{"id":8631,"date":"2014-02-19T08:50:15","date_gmt":"2014-02-19T16:50:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/?p=8631"},"modified":"2014-02-17T13:14:10","modified_gmt":"2014-02-17T21:14:10","slug":"astrological-asininity-february-19-2014-issue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2014\/02\/19\/astrological-asininity-february-19-2014-issue\/","title":{"rendered":"Astrological Asininity<\/em>: February 19, 2014 issue"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi! My name\u2019s River and I can see the future… go!<\/p>\n

Aries: <\/b>Okay, so there just might be something about a \u201cduck escape\u201d in your future but I don\u2019t really get why unless you live on a farm! Oh, hold on, the cosmos is giving me some signals here\u00c9 oh, \u201cduct tape\u201d? Signal is coming in foggy\u00c9 argh!<\/p>\n

Taurus:<\/b> Totes not making fun of people who live on farms, totes would like to live on one! LOL Anyway, Taurus folks, this is your lucky week: buy lotto tickets and all that! Just kidding! Who actually buys lotto tickets? I have no idea.<\/p>\n

Gemini: <\/b>Hi! I think that there\u2019s something in your future about rams but I don\u2019t get it, do you all live on farms? Oh, dodge the ram? What the hell is the cosmos telling me? Oh, watch out for cars! Oh, \u201cwatch out for cars, River!\u201d Ohmygod!<\/p>\n

Cancer: <\/b>LOL you\u2019d think sitting in the middle of Richmond writing this out in my notebook would be safe, but a Dodge Ram almost hit me. LOL on what the cosmos was telling me! Anyway, Cancer, your future this issue has nothing to do with farms! It has to do with large amount of small bouncing balls. LOL I don\u2019t know what you get up to, but can I come hang out? Cosmos is saying that one ball might go in your mouth and down into your stomach so, um, ew, watch out for that.<\/p>\n

Leo: <\/b>Psst! Cancer gets up to weird stuff.<\/p>\n

Virgo: <\/b>Under no circumstance should you party this week, and you might want to just focus on doing some studying anyway. We\u2019ve seen better grades, and the partying isn\u2019t helping! Stop partying!<\/p>\n

Libra: <\/b>Party on!<\/p>\n

Scorpio: <\/b>Watch out for the colour blue and for snakes, but I don\u2019t know what situations you might find yourself in where that\u2019s going to make any sense. What are you people doing in your spare time?<\/p>\n

Sagittarius: <\/b>So someone in one of my philosophy classes whispered in my ear the other day, he whispered this: \u201cRiver, what is the sound of one hand clapping?\u201d Doesn\u2019t that blow your mind? And I thought of it because I see in your future a hand getting chopped off! Just kidding! But I see some clapping, you going to the theatre or somethin\u2019?<\/p>\n

Capricorn: <\/b>I see the words \u201cshirtless\u201d and \u201cArgyle\u201d in the stars, LOL might wanna wait until the weather is a bit better before getting wild on the side street there!<\/p>\n

Aquarius: <\/b>The spookiest part of doing this column is when I get to Aquarius. Because I\u2019m an Aquarius! So sometimes I just can\u2019t look at it, like now! LOL how can you live normally when you know the future?!<\/p>\n

Pisces: <\/b>I hope you\u2019re more relaxed about knowing the future, because yours is awesome so it\u2019s all good. School will be good, your finances are okay, the ol\u2019 love life is rockin\u2019; how do you do it? Bye!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi! My name\u2019s River and I can see the future… go! Aries: Okay, so there just might be something about a \u201cduck escape\u201d in your future but I don\u2019t really get why unless you live on a farm! Oh, hold on, the cosmos is giving me some signals here\u00c9 oh, \u201cduct tape\u201d? Signal is coming […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,122],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-february-19-2014"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8631","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8631"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8631\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8632,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8631\/revisions\/8632"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8631"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8631"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8631"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}