{"id":8703,"date":"2014-03-05T08:50:19","date_gmt":"2014-03-05T16:50:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/?p=8703"},"modified":"2014-03-03T13:38:29","modified_gmt":"2014-03-03T21:38:29","slug":"astrological-asininity-march-5-2014-issue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2014\/03\/05\/astrological-asininity-march-5-2014-issue\/","title":{"rendered":"Astrological Asininity<\/em>: March 5, 2014 issue"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi okay OMG did you see last issue where I was put at the bottom of the page? Is that because you\u2019ve all been complaining about me? Um if anyone likes me please email The Next-Us <\/i>or whatever this website is called and let them know!<\/p>\n

Aries: <\/b>So did you use the duct tape like I predicted last time around? Totes predicting the future over here. In yours this time around I see garlic, unicorns, and patches of grass that are both sunny and shady?! What does that mean LOL let me know please.<\/p>\n

Taurus:<\/b> So! Did you buy lotto tickets? I didn\u2019t, I haven\u2019t since the \u201980s and Lotto 649, which would come on at 6:49 during a commercial break in the news or something. And you could watch those balls bouncing around in that big circle thing which seemed inconsequential but um hello totally CHANGED MY LIFE. Buy another freakin\u2019 lotto ticket this week, we\u2019re on a roll.<\/p>\n

Gemini: <\/b>So… your secret is safe with me. LOL AND THE ENTIRE COSMOS.<\/p>\n

Cancer: <\/b>Cancer, OMG, I just called you \u201cCencer\u201d! I have a very hard time writing sometimes because there\u2019s so much going on around me but anyway, Cencer (LOL), avoid crowdsurfing, crowdfunding, and crowds in general for the next couple of weeks, K?<\/p>\n

Leo: <\/b>Hi! You\u2019ve been rolling along and things have been going smoothly lately, haven\u2019t they? That\u2019s about to change, but it\u2019s all good so embrace the chaos. Like I do every day: I\u2019m sitting in the middle of Hillside as I write this! Cars are totes honking LOL.<\/p>\n

Virgo: <\/b>Hi Virgo, umm… if you see me sitting in the road anytime can you come rescue me LOL sometimes I get stuck. Thanks and in exchange for that, I\u2019ll tell you this: your lucky colour is beige (weird!), your lucky word is \u201cand\u201d (there are totally lucky words, most people don\u2019t know that though), and your lucky astrologist is River!<\/p>\n

Libra: <\/b>Still partying? Good!<\/p>\n

Scorpio: <\/b>I hope you watched out for the colour blue and snakes last time! This time around I\u2019m getting that you need to watch out for the colour blue and sna… wait a minute, it\u2019s the same! What are you doing over there? LOL!<\/p>\n

Sagittarius: <\/b>I totes cut back on the caffeine because my doctor told me to, and that\u2019s why I don\u2019t believe in medical doctors (EVER HEAR OF BIG PHARMA??). He\u2019s just trying to make me subdued so I won’t start the cosmos revolution! But, Sagittarius, listen to me and listen closely: we\u2019re going to start the cosmos revolution.<\/p>\n

Capricorn: <\/b>So last time I pointed out that you shouldn\u2019t do weird things on quiet side streets that involve you not being fully clothed. I hope you listened to me. Now, this is confusing, but bear with me… now you should embrace that, and go do weird things on quiet side streets and not be fully clothed. The time is now! (But stay off the neighbours\u2019 lawns, rude-y!)<\/p>\n

Aquarius: <\/b>Hi, did I ever tell you that I\u2019m Aquarius? I have? Okay LOL then why aren\u2019t we hanging out like all the time? I\u2019d say email me but I don\u2019t have email so just hope for the best and River will appear!<\/p>\n

Pisces: <\/b>How does it feel to always be at the end? Must be a drag \u2018cuz I\u2019m too tired out now to look at your future. Don\u2019t blame me, blame my doctor. And BIG PHARMA!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi okay OMG did you see last issue where I was put at the bottom of the page? Is that because you\u2019ve all been complaining about me? Um if anyone likes me please email The Next-Us or whatever this website is called and let them know! Aries: So did you use the duct tape like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,123],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8703","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-march-5-2014"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8703","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8703"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8703\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8704,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8703\/revisions\/8704"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8703"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8703"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8703"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}