{"id":8823,"date":"2014-03-19T08:50:25","date_gmt":"2014-03-19T15:50:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/?p=8823"},"modified":"2014-03-18T13:19:56","modified_gmt":"2014-03-18T20:19:56","slug":"astrological-asininity-march-19-2014-issue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2014\/03\/19\/astrological-asininity-march-19-2014-issue\/","title":{"rendered":"Astrological Asininity<\/em>: March 19, 2014 issue"},"content":{"rendered":"

OMG I got my first fan letter the other day OMG OMG OMG thank you for reading I hope your future is great! Oh wait, I know your future and, well, it\u2019s so-so\u00c9 but you\u2019re still awesome! Totes thanks for reading!<\/p>\n

For the rest of you, hi! I\u2019m River and I can see the future!@ LOL what is that \u201ca\u201d with the circle around it?<\/p>\n

Umm so I think next issue might be my last column for the Nexxis<\/i> or whatever this website is called. Totally got called off on a spiritual journey with a real-life guru!<\/p>\n

Maybe someone wants to continue doing astrology in my absence? That means \u201cwhen I\u2019m gone\u201d… this is tough. But I\u2019m sure someone can do it. Email the paper!<\/p>\n

Aries: <\/b>Hi Aries! Last time we talked about unicorns which was weird although I found out a while ago that unicorns are real someone told me and I was like OMG. So did you see a unicorn??<\/p>\n

Taurus:<\/b> I\u2019m going to stop telling you to buy lotto tickets now but I hope you won big. The other day I was waiting in line at the drug store, LOL not buying drugs, and the lady in front of me was checking all these lotto tickets and I was just like hurry up LOL! Oh wow, was that you?<\/p>\n

Gemini: <\/b>Wow I totally just blacked out sitting here because sometimes I see all these stars in front of my eyes and I just roll with it but wow I saw something in your future. It was gum. Or gomme. Is that French? Do you eat erasers? What\u2019s going on?<\/p>\n

Cancer: <\/b>Hi! My name is River and I\u2019ll tell you your future. Oh, you know that? LOL don\u2019t sit on seats for the next couple weeks, k? Just find a way.<\/p>\n

Leo: <\/b>I\u2019m sitting in the middle of Hillside again because it\u2019s the only way I can get Leo readings sometimes. And yours is great this time. Totes NOT TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS THOUGH!<\/p>\n

Virgo: <\/b>So… last week (or does this website come out every day? I get confused.) I talked about big pharma. OMG I don\u2019t want to you alarm you but after that issue came out the guy at the pharmacy I go to totally gave me a weird look. Like, weird! Someone said it might have been because of my Dr. Seuss hat, but no way!<\/p>\n

Libra: <\/b>No way!<\/p>\n

Scorpio: <\/b>Hey, Scorpio. Ever see that movie Serpico<\/i> with Anne Pacino? I haven\u2019t. What am I, 80? LOL.<\/p>\n

Sagittarius:<\/b><\/p>\n

Capricorn:<\/b><\/p>\n

Aquarius: <\/b>LOL sorry I totally went on a journey there and I missed some of you. And I think I\u2019m going again…<\/p>\n

Pisces:<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

OMG I got my first fan letter the other day OMG OMG OMG thank you for reading I hope your future is great! Oh wait, I know your future and, well, it\u2019s so-so\u00c9 but you\u2019re still awesome! Totes thanks for reading! For the rest of you, hi! I\u2019m River and I can see the future!@ […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,124],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8823","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-march-19-2014"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t