{"id":9082,"date":"2014-05-14T08:00:56","date_gmt":"2014-05-14T15:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/?p=9082"},"modified":"2014-05-12T13:03:13","modified_gmt":"2014-05-12T20:03:13","slug":"astrological-asininity-may-14-2014-issue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2014\/05\/14\/astrological-asininity-may-14-2014-issue\/","title":{"rendered":"Astrological Asininity<\/em>: May 14, 2014 issue"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hi so OMG whoa these spring classes are long like hours and hours long my head is spinning more than usual! Here are some fortune cookies LOL I mean fortunes.<\/p>\n

Aries: <\/b>Accidentally Aries! Totally a new movie I\u2019m writing in my head LOL. Just kidding, and by the way, I hope you manage to buy a lotto ticket this time around because even though you\u2019re totally not going to win (as if) you will have a life-changing experience on the way to the store!<\/p>\n

Taurus:<\/b> Hi! Ummm listen tag along with Aries when they\u2019re doing their thing, they\u2019ve got more good luck than they know what to do with this time around and to be honest you really don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Gemini: <\/b>I was just reading how scientists \u201cdiscovered a new shape\u201d! LOL I discover so many new things every day I don\u2019t understand how that\u2019s exciting. Yesterday I discovered a new kind of animal! It was this cat-dog thing I saw while meditating in the middle of Hillside. LOL not the mall the road! Totes not allowed to do that in the mall. Anyway, Gemini, your lucky numbers are 2, 3, and Y.<\/p>\n

Cancer: <\/b>LOL totally pulling Gemini\u2019s leg there.<\/p>\n

Leo: <\/b>So ummm sometimes when I read the Next-Ish<\/i> or whatever this website is called I see they have a big huge story called a \u201cfeature,\u201d I wonder if I could write a big huge story sometime (No-ed.)<\/i> I\u2019d call it \u201cRiver\u2019s Rants\u201d! LOL just kidding, and Leo, watch out for ostriches \u2018cuz they can be downright nasty.<\/p>\n

Virgo: <\/b>Hi! So, umm, let\u2019s get this straight. You want to know your future but you did WHAT yesterday? LOL don\u2019t think so!<\/p>\n

Libra: <\/b>Are you friends with Virgo? If so, don\u2019t tell them this: their future involves birdhouses. Yours involves fishing wire. Can I come along?<\/p>\n

Scorpio: <\/b>So did you go to Cadboro Bay between April 3 and 5? I told you not to. Ummm trouble is I meant Cordova Bay. What, like you\u2019ve never made that mistake before? Anyway, hope you\u2019re still alive. Maybe find me and let me know.<\/p>\n

Sagittarius: <\/b>So umm hi totally wasn\u2019t trying to be mean to you last time. Sometimes I just say stuff. I actually think you\u2019re really cool so here: the next drink\u2019s on me! LOL just kidding I\u2019m nowhere near you right now and here\u2019s your future: wear the colour red and do a duck dance in the road on a rainy spring day and it\u2019ll all work out.<\/p>\n

Capricorn: <\/b>Capricorn, I totally just told Sagittarius something that wasn\u2019t even real, just wanted to make them look silly because between you and me they bug me and I\u2019m glad no one reads any of these that aren\u2019t their own! Oh, and for you: Mars in retrograde, Capricornio superfade!<\/p>\n

Aquarius: <\/b>Hi! I\u2019m organizing a first annual Aquarius get-together, I\u2019m thinking in the big field outside the Young Building, just look inside your mind for the date and time. Now, watch out for those weird guys who wave red flags in front of bulls and you\u2019ll be fine.<\/p>\n

Pisces: <\/b>You again? LOL just kidding! You\u2019re my pal, right next to me here on the ol\u2019 cosmos list. Between you and me, you can come to the Aquarius get-together. In the meantime, avoid all numbers, all letters, and… um, good luck there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hi so OMG whoa these spring classes are long like hours and hours long my head is spinning more than usual! Here are some fortune cookies LOL I mean fortunes. Aries: Accidentally Aries! Totally a new movie I\u2019m writing in my head LOL. Just kidding, and by the way, I hope you manage to buy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,126],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9082","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-may-14-2014"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9082","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9082"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9082\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9083,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9082\/revisions\/9083"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9082"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9082"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9082"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}