{"id":9336,"date":"2014-08-13T08:47:48","date_gmt":"2014-08-13T15:47:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/?p=9336"},"modified":"2014-08-11T12:44:43","modified_gmt":"2014-08-11T19:44:43","slug":"astrological-asininity-august-13-2014-issue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/2014\/08\/13\/astrological-asininity-august-13-2014-issue\/","title":{"rendered":"Astrological Asininity<\/em>: August 13, 2014 issue"},"content":{"rendered":"

Aries: <\/b>The fortune\u2019s kinda weird but here it is: watch out for Santa because it\u2019s totally the wrong time of year so it\u2019s probably not Santa and instead just some weirdo so just stay away K?<\/p>\n

Taurus:<\/b> You know what word I hate? Antipasto! Like, LOL! Antipasto, yeah right. Anyway, watch out for people who casually talk about antipasto because they\u2019re trouble. And people who say \u201cantipasta,\u201d well, I can dig it!<\/p>\n

Gemini: <\/b>Totes thinking you\u2019re the coolest, just kinda tucked away in third place here but always being quietly awesome. The clouds are parting for you, my friend! Gemini rocks!<\/p>\n

Cancer: <\/b>LOL just kidding, I hate Geminis. Anyway, I\u2019d like to draw your attention to your last exam marks and say this has nothing to do with fortunes, it has everything to do with you, LOL, can you just study a bit harder please and thanks? And your lucky number is 66… uh, forget it. Just keep studying.<\/p>\n

Leo: <\/b>Keep your eyes peeled for old acquaintances and new life opportunities. LOL just kidding that was my fortune cookie from last night.<\/p>\n

Virgo: <\/b>Okay, every time I go running across the Lansdowne campus, late for class, I turn a corner and plow headfirst into a deer! So I\u2019m not even giving you a fortune, I\u2019m giving you advice: don\u2019t run on campus! Or, don\u2019t be late for class! Or, just watch out for deer because getting impaled by their antlers is really intense, just trust me on that one.<\/p>\n

Libra: <\/b>So last time I told you to go to Arizona. LOL if you did.<\/p>\n

Scorpio: <\/b>So, here\u2019s a true story. My editor keeps telling me that someone else is doing this column soon. I don\u2019t know what he means because I do it! LOL to him. But then I got this weird feeling that a Scorpio will be writing this in September… LOL if that\u2019s you!<\/p>\n

Sagittarius: <\/b>Watch out for little red devils with pitchforks poking your bum. Totes serious.<\/p>\n

Capricorn: <\/b>Hi! I\u2019ve been drinking all this bottled water that expired two years ago and I feel a bit funky-funnily topsy turvy LOL. But why waste it? Anyway, your fortune is kinda related: stay away from water that expired two years ago. Weird.<\/p>\n

Aquarius: <\/b>The capture is on, the sun is left to right, and the beak is forgiven. Umm got it? See you on the upside-down-io!<\/p>\n

Pisces: <\/b>All right, these water bottles are now flying around my head! LOL to expired water, I love it! Pisces, get a pie and watch it fly, and come find me meditating on Hillside to get a slice or give me a slice or something uh-oh here comes another unicornio!<\/p>\n

(Editor\u2019s note: The time may have come for River Rainfall to retire. We\u2019re on the hunt for someone to take over the astrology humour column or to do a new humour column. Get in touch with us for details!)<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Aries: The fortune\u2019s kinda weird but here it is: watch out for Santa because it\u2019s totally the wrong time of year so it\u2019s probably not Santa and instead just some weirdo so just stay away K? Taurus: You know what word I hate? Antipasto! Like, LOL! Antipasto, yeah right. Anyway, watch out for people who […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,129],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9336","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humour","category-august-14-2014"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9336","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9336"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9336\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9337,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9336\/revisions\/9337"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9336"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9336"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.nexusnewspaper.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9336"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}