Aries: There is some weird stuff coming up, I guess it’s best if you don’t know about it.
Taurus: Hi! Avoid the number 76 and spinach this week at all costs; bugs in the spinach, and that number is just the worst.
Gemini: LOL, my socks are falling off! The elastic just isn’t holding! Oh, Gemini, you’re all good.
Cancer: I’m seeing you do a lot of stuff that’s angering the stars, and Mars. So, stop it!
Leo: Okay so I was totally running over to the Nexus office and I turned a corner and was face to face with a huge deer! It scared the poop out of me! THEN THE DEER TALKED TO ME. And it said “If you’re a Leo, career choices are in your future.” I totally said “WTF, deer, you sound like a fortune cookie, and I’m not Leo, I’m totally Aquarius,” then he just stared at me and I stared at him and he stared at me and I stared at him and he stared at me and I stared at him.
Virgo: Note that the deer didn’t mention you, Virgo. Totally first thing I thought of when I was talking to the deer.
Libra: Hi! You know what I see in your future? Finally understanding the radiator that heats up your apartment. TOTALLY KIDDING.
Scorpio: I see some luck with a test, a fun time with an “associate” (what, you in the mob? What the hell does that mean?) and… good times with fake fur? Um, um, can we hang out?
Sagittarius: You want in on that, too?
Capricorn: Avoid hula hoops.
Aquarius: Have I mentioned yet that I’m an Aquarius? I don’t think so! We should totally hang!
Pisces: You always bug me because you come right after me on the list of signs. Like, stop it.