Hi! So last time around my editor totally cut out my intro part here, which I saw and was like OMG, totally cursing that jerk. But totally just kidding because I don’t know how to curse yet (see Cancer, below).
But seriously, an introduction is long overdue. I’m River, and I can predict the future! LOL or at least I can see what’s in the stars and all that jazz for you guys. Sometimes I get distracted, and I totally love yoga so sometimes I just like can’t do this and need to go do yoga instead. LOL why is this on the humour page? I keep asking for a full-page astrology section, maybe next time LOL.
Aries: Hi! What’s new? Okay, fully take advantage of “networking opportunities” and “re-branding potential.” Haha, just kidding, I don’t know what that means! Just live life, smile, and laugh lots!
Taurus: Oops, last time I said avoid the number 76. Totally meant 77! Hope you figured that out!
Gemini: How did that happen? Well, I read my number-spinner wrong, silly! Oh, wait, Gemini, you didn’t ask me that, my mom did. She’s in the same room as me right now! As for YOU, silly goose, don’t think what you did last week went unnoticed! It was totally noticed. Very cool.
Cancer: A curse on you! LOL just kidding. That’s not what I’m all about. Totally haven’t learned curses yet. Avoid grocery stores next week. I sense something bad with cantaloupes.
Leo: Hi! Let me know if you know of any Leos named Lee. I have questions.
Virgo: There’s some mix-ups in the cosmos regarding your goddamn attitude lately, so, like, quit it. And, good things regarding your career path in your future!
Libra: Eeeny…
Scorpio: Meeny…
Sagittarius: Miney…
Capricorn: Mo! LOL
Aquarius: Have I ever mentioned I’m an Aquarius, too? For reals! Haha! So, let’s do this!
Pisces: Sorry if I was kinda rude last time. Here, I’ll make it up to you by letting you in on something: a certain some-planet is in retrograde so you’re pretty likely to be getting up on the downlow in the distant future, if you know what I mean! And I hope you do, because I don’t! Bye!