Among the list of to-dos in a young adult’s life, the most mundane task has to be cleaning their grotesque apartment.
If you’re anything like me, this chore always seems to sneak up on your way out the door to ’90s night at Logan’s or Blackout Sundays at the Rooftop. What if you should bring someone home to see that compendium of your terrible habits? You can’t have that!
However, time is of the essence, and the thought of cleaning is sucking your will to stand out front of the Sticky Wicket for six hours. Luckily, there’s a way to excite and expedite the process! The key is to take calculated, reasonable shortcuts.
Start in the kitchen to tackle that Jenga tower of dirty dishes. Wash the cleanest ones first—this will ensure the water remains as clean as possible throughout the process, maximizing the soap’s window of efficiency. Then start washing really bad dishes, the ones you’ve left a week—or month—too long. What about that plate with the dried-up sriracha on it? You’ve left it too long and now it’s as dense as a diamond with a bonding strength so strong Phil Swift could make an infomercial with it.
Here’s what you’re going to do: smash it. That’s right—throw that thing out the sixth-storey window! What do you have to lose? Plates are $1.50 at the dollar store and this way you get to feel like a criminal in the comfort of your own home! Escape rooms are $40 an hour, and they don’t give you the level of adrenaline you’ll get from breaking your fine china.
Then, of course, you have to sweep. Try pushing your cat up and down the hallway. He’ll thank you for playing, and you’ll thank him for having the angelic fur of a Swiffer Sweeper Vac.
Go ahead and use your standard broom for those hard-to-reach places Mittens can’t seem to reach. Then sweep it all under the living room rug. What’s the harm? You know good goddamn well that rug hasn’t moved since you moved in and your roommates would be hard-pressed to find your handiwork there.
Need to do laundry? No problem. Just wear your pants and T-shirt inside out and call it a fashion decision. Dare to be different, ya weirdo.
Or, you know what? Maybe just stay in tonight.