One defining moment of that abrupt transition between adolescence and adulthood is the realization that you now have to put thorough effort into buying gifts for your friends and family members when their birthdays come around.
Gone are the days of quirky handwritten coupon books and endearing last-minute runs to Shoppers Drug Mart for vague, ill-fitting greeting cards and discount-bin chocolate. Hallmark can’t help you; the safety net of cute irresponsibility doesn’t exist anymore.
But don’t fret! Buying thoughtful and considerate gifts on a budget for your loved ones is a breeze with the right mindset. Let’s start with a popular example—your mother’s birthday.
This is an important milestone in your mother’s life, as she only turns 32 once, every year. The problem is knowing what to get a woman who’s already been given the greatest gift in life: you! From the instant you came into her life she had the privilege of carrying around you, a bulbous tumour, for nine months. You kicking her from the inside of her own goddamn body only to “unwrap” yourself by clawing out of her like an alien in a cacophony of screaming men, women, and child all professionally lit by medical equipment.
How the hell do you top that? Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is a rather traditional gift: an eight-pack of Lucky beer and a pre-roll. The more I think about it, she probably really needs it. Secondly, wouldn’t you really want to get fucked up right now? Of course you would! And, hey, you’re half her; you didn’t come from nowhere. There’s a good chance she’ll love it.
Now, I know downsizing to the six-pack looks tantalizing now that rent’s due and money’s tight, but those extra two brews might be the difference between a good gift and a great time! Why not spoil her? Don’t you love your mother?
Next order of business is the card. Oh dear sweet lord, remove me from the peril of finding a fucking card. The greeting business has got you by the balls here, folks: they charge you $7.98 for pending recycling. Luckily, there are a few shortcuts. For example, a handmade macaroni birthday card at 24 is quirky and fun. But it’s only cute once—twice is a cry for help. You need to use this wisely: trust me on this one.