How does anybody get an honest, good-paying job anymore? I’m not talking about taking split shifts at Taco Bell to keep the lights on—I’m talking about a career that sustains a good quality of life. A pay grade that allows you to raise a family, put food on the table, and afford that bitchin’ Ms. Pac-Man machine for the living room. You know, everything God intended.
It seems like our generation will never have the privilege of owning a house or accumulating a pension and that we’re cursed to wait tables on a corporate, devil-may-care generation that cannibalizes the economy, environment, and Greta Thunberg. But I’m here to tell you that living a life with shopping at Whole Foods or seeing the dentist is not a pipe dream!
The first thing you need to do is get your resume in order. There’s a special trick to creating the perfect resume: you need to lie about absolutely everything! Google offices will never find out the truth if all your references have disconnected phone numbers. Besides, it’s not your fault they don’t pay their phone bills, is it? You certainly don’t, so why should they? Donald Trump’s resume states that he’s a professional rodeo clown; has anyone fact-checked this? No. Act like you know and you can get away with anything. Once you have an ironclad resume, the calls should be rolling in on your friend’s cell phone (you don’t pay your cell bill, remember?) with a multitude of new and exciting career paths to explore. But before you brave the water cooler and TGI Fridays, you need to ace the interview.
When asked what makes the difference between a good interview and a great interview, multimillionaire Kevin O’Leary said, “Your clothes, stupid.” After all, a first impression is a lasting one, so your outfit should show that you’re confident, competent, and a cool customer. Be bold and relentless in your approach. My go-to is wearing nothing but a leopard-print Speedo, cowboy boots, and my lucky tin-foil hat. Do I care that my sparse, wispy chest hair blows in the air-conditioned breeze of the office? Absolutely not. Be comfortable with your own body; your future employer will take note of your self-confidence and fierce initiative for setting fashion trends.
Good luck out there, and I need a place to stay tonight.