Sex.
That’s all I need to say and there’s an immediate reaction. “Hell yeah,” say some of you. “Oh, no,” say others. Like it or not, sex is a part of biology, which means it’s a part of human life. Its connotations are ever-changing, depending on the social circles we’re in at any given time. Would you want to bring up the topic at a family dinner, in front of your grandmother? Maybe that’s a normal evening for you, or maybe it’s an abhorrent thing to even think, and how dare you, Tiegan, for ever even mentioning that?
The topic of sex is laced with taboos, bound up in forbidden connotations, straddled and choked out by euphemisms and hushed whispers. (Don’t let me get carried away—I have more of these.)
Interestingly, as the conversation around sex evolves, the definition of it evolves as well, and we become less fearful of it. Experimenting helps fortify the bonds of a relationship, whether it’s a one-night stand or years of commitment (or just you and yourself), and it might satisfy the previous repression we once had. As of 2019, much of North American society has dipped their toes into trying out new things in the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the living room, or the stairways at Lansdowne) and the conversation is no longer a little secret, nor should it be.
Trying out new things comes with risk if you don’t learn about it properly. You could be “doing it” for the first time; you and your friend might be browsing an adult store (just browsing!); maybe you read about this new technique that might spark something new for you and your partner.
The world of sex is a complex one to explore and there are always new discoveries within it.
Where do we start other than the definition of sex? Camosun Philosophy instructor Megan Shelstad—who has taught Philosophy of Sex and Love here at the college—points out that the definitions of sex and relationships aren’t tied to one thing or one person.
“If people are older, I do get a lot of nodding about that, but I haven’t had anybody say that they think sex really has to just be sexual intercourse,” says Shelstad. “It came up in the context of polyamory—this might give us a bit of insight. I did ask at one point, because the author was talking about exclusivity and she was saying, ‘Well, some people who are critics of polyamory and disagree with it think that romantic love requires exclusivity. It’s a way of treating the other person as special.’ There’s a bunch of other details around it, and, ‘They chose me for me, and nobody else.’”
Other kinds of relationships, including polyamory, have always been integrated into the conversation around sex. Shelstad goes on to say that while monogamy is the default, there is still room to talk about and accept polyamory.
“I asked people, ‘How many people, just in the way they generally think about stuff, or whether it has to do with their own personal relationships sexually, think that exclusivity has to be a part?’” says Shelstad. “Quite a number, at least half, put up their hands. It’s possible I may have asked it as, ‘What do you think is a dominant view in society?’ Monogamy is what is more or less celebrated as the romantic, correct way, whether it’s fairy tales or movies. The princess and the prince. I think a number of them think that’s important to them—monogamy, exclusivity. It’s all about the betrayal part.”
But sex doesn’t begin or end with the physical act. Relationships are integral to human socialization, and the mainstream definition of romantic relationships, and sexual identity, is widening. LGBTQ+ relationships are only now being provided with the celebration and normalization they need. Camosun College Student Society pride director Angela Chou says that the mainstream media has power when it comes to familiarizing cis, straight people with the queer population and queer culture.
“There isn’t a whole ton of queer representation. Mostly you have to look for it if you’re watching to see it,” says Chou. “That can sometimes not make us feel normal, or like it’s okay, especially if you’re growing up in this world with this constant barrage of straight relationships in advertising and the media, like stories and movies… You have to really go looking for the representation of yourself. Being able to see that more would be really good.”
Shelstad, when talking about forms of sex that aren’t the heterosexual “penis meet vagina” types we always hear about, points out that forms of sexual activities need to be safe before being accepted.
“I’m not the Pope. People should, of course, keep themselves safe, not just [from] unwanted pregnancies, but STDs, of course,” says Shelstad. “And that’s also an indication of respect to their partner or partners.”
Protection is needed in sexual encounters, and we should understand this by the time we’re in college. Discussions surrounding contraception and consent, ideally, should no longer be necessary. As Shelstad points out, the test of consent lies in trust.
“It’s the sense of betrayal, so if somebody feels like they agreed to something because they were coerced, or whether they didn’t agree to something and then somebody deceived them, that’s betrayal,” says Shelstad. “It seems more about the emotional content than anything to do with bodies.”
Not enjoying sex is nothing to be ashamed of, and there are plenty of reasons for it. Some people need to ease into it; some people need additional products to ensure maximum pleasure; some are asexual, and that’s just fine. While I can’t give you a complete guide—after all, this is a feature article, not a book—you can rest assured that there are professionals who care about your well-being.
Communication from person to person is also a great way to integrate safe sex education into our daily conversations. When we talk, we are easily tearing down the stigma surrounding infections, new experiences, and alternative methods to sexual enjoyment.
STIs are a funny kind of uncommon occurrence in that they are actually incredibly common. STIs like herpes are so common that the stigma only silences an individual; it doesn’t prevent them from getting the STI.
According to the Government of Canada website—where you can find statistics, symptoms, and other information on STIs—outbreaks of genital herpes, or HSV-2, occur because of unprotected sex, and can reoccur through the individual’s menstrual cycle, after surgery, or due to exposure to the sun, medications, illness, and other factors. Of course, while herpes shouldn’t be feared, letting any sexually transmitted infection stay on or in you will lead to threatening complications.
STIs can be dangerous, there is no doubt about it. But they are preventable, they are treatable, and they need the spotlight. Sexual education in middle school is often built on fear-mongering. “Don’t have sex; you’ll get pregnant,” they say. “Ladies, your first time will be horrifically painful.” “If you have sex you’ll probably, most definitely get a disease that will kill you.”
Well, middle-school education, this is not middle school. This is a newspaper for college students, and while STIs can be alien, painful, and harmful, you can lower your chances of getting them, and you can get them treated.
Infections like herpes aren’t curable, and while “incurable” may seem like a scary word, treating an infection is going to keep you and your partners way safer than hiding it. According to the Canadian AIDS Treatment Information Exchange (CATIE), Canada’s “official knowledge broker” for HIV and hepatits C, 19 percent of people aged 35 to 59 have had HSV-2 infections, as have 6 percent of people aged 14 to 34. While British Columbia is currently under a possible syphilis outbreak, under one percent of individuals have it. This isn’t to say that we need to shove our infections under the rug, but we’re not giving our bodies the attention they really deserve. Talk it out with a friend, with a partner, with a professional, and don’t say it in hushed whispers. Announce it, loud and proud, “I have herpes, and I’m going to do something about it!”
Time is fluid, and so are our values. Are we no longer scared of doing more than making love? Are we ready to venture out into a world of new experiences with ourselves and our partners? Are we accepting ourselves for what we want, and what we enjoy? Are you now going to check out a sex shop because, you know what, it’s a nice day and it’s not illegal and, hey, maybe you’ll find something that’s going to give you what you’ve been missing?
The point is, you’re meant to be comfortable and you deserve to be comfortable. Go ahead, have some fun with your human partner, your mechanical partner, yourself—it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you research it, and research more than just the Kama Sutra. I mean, go ahead, pick that up, but also maybe pick up a brochure or two from Island Sexual Health. Go ahead, look up a few techniques and get a recommendation from any local “sexpert” on products you can use to enhance enjoyment.
We shouldn’t say that sex is no longer a man’s penis in a woman’s vagina, because it never was just that. Sex is enjoyment and sexuality is a journey for all of us, including the people who never have or never will have sex, and respect is something everyone deserves.