We are shaped into the person we are going to be when we are very young.
Addicts are no exception. An addict is formed in the primary years of their life, as far as I have experienced, witnessed, and read. When we are young we are vulnerable, and if we are not carefully nurtured, we come to associate vulnerability with danger, to a greater or lesser extent depending on our childhood experiences.
As a recovering sex and love addict, I am beginning to navigate intimate relationships from a more sober and healthy place than I previously ever have, and the most challenging aspect of this is the necessity to be vulnerable and open.
All of my tendencies in close relationships are in an effort to avoid feeling vulnerable. For example, I tend to move quickly, seeking security before getting to know someone; I tend to also step back quickly or to even end the relationship abruptly if I sense uncertainly in the other, or if the circumstances of life might cause our paths to move in opposite directions.
It is a tremendous effort to remain open, and to simply allow things to unfold as they will, especially before a relationship is relatively stable and committed. Even knowing when and how things ought to unfold in a healthy way is something I am learning, gradually.
Fortunately, the plasticity of our brains makes it possible for us to change how we think and behave. Even our deepest feelings and most strongly held beliefs can change, and indeed they must if we are to recover from addiction. But this work is not easy.
It is, however, quite simple, from my perspective. As long as I am willing to focus on myself—my own needs, insecurities, and all the things in me and in my life that need tending to—I am on the path of recovery.
The key for me has been to address both relatively superficial problems—such as issues with work or money—as well as, and perhaps more importantly, looking at what is beneath such problems. The crux of the problems in my life, when looking inward, almost always comes down to fear of being vulnerable and hurt, alone, or abandoned.
Addressing these issues has begun to make every area of my life better, including financially, in my relationships, and in my quality of life in general. To open up these old wounds requires vulnerability. And to have a healthy, loving, close, and connected relationship requires vulnerability.
Vulnerability is a key to healing and wellbeing. Though it feels intensely uncomfortable for many of us, without it we cannot be close to others.