Early on in addiction recovery, remaining sober from a primary addiction—be it alcohol, gambling, pornography, or unhealthy relationships—is a grind. It is painful and difficult and often the effort is abandoned one or more times. I’ve heard it said that relapse is part of recovery, and, therefore, should be expected.
This initial withdrawal cannot be avoided, and I’m quite sure there is no way to make it easy. Possible or impossible—yes, there are factors that can tip the scale one way or another, such as support and connection to others, people to call on in moments of uncertainty and temptation. Simple it may be—refrain from it, whatever it is—but easy it is not, least of all in the beginning.
Remaining in addiction is quite a lot easier in the moment, but makes life fraught with struggle and failure over time. Getting out is initially far more challenging, but life becomes far better as you go. I wouldn’t say it makes life easier, per se, but sobriety from a crippling addiction—which all addiction is, by degrees—brings a sense of ease and genuine happiness to living.
I’m noticing, almost three years into my own recovery from sex and relationships and codependency, that the temptation to slip back into old habits is considerably less now. The once overwhelming compulsion to act on certain patterns of behaviours that proved to be harmful to me no longer infiltrates my being and takes over. I wouldn’t say I am “in control,” but I am freed, to a significant degree, from what used to enslave me.
Today, instead of longing to just do what feels good now to escape from my emotions and troubling sense of reality, and eventually giving into such longing, I’m curious and often optimistic about what may happen if I continue to deviate from old, well-grooved, unhealthy patterns. I know what happens if I follow those old, compulsive patterns: temporary relief. Extremely potent relief maybe, but as we know, what goes up will come down. I am familiar with this cycle, this trap. I know how my relationships go when I follow my dysfunctional conditioning. They go down, ultimately.
But what may happen if I don’t follow old patterns? So far, a lot of really great things. A lot of me has been uncovered and allowed to live. I get a new kind of relief—a feeling like my heart and mind, which was entirely held hostage in a tight and uncomfortable bind for so long, is being released.
The tendency to go back to what is familiar is very strong in the beginning of recovery. But after a while it feels better to go forward, into the unknown, because I know the known will not work for me, or bring me toward the callings of my soul, or bring me closer to others, which, as a sex and love addict, is what I was seeking all along.