There are many ways to experience grief and loss. When we hear the words “grief” and “loss,” we inevitably associate them with death. But loss can be felt over the most unexpected situations, and we can suddenly be thrown into a state of mind that makes it seem impossible to function in the way we’re used to.
Earlier this week, I was thrown into an absolute tailspin because of loss. It’s not something I’m unfamiliar with, but this time I wasn’t mourning the death of a loved one or drowning in tears because somebody broke my heart: I lost my cell phone for two days. When I look back on that sentence, it really makes me laugh; I also consider that I may be the shallowest person who ever walked the Earth.
Still, in those 48 hours I went through some extremely strong emotions. I was panicked, I felt sad and empty, I was confused, I was angry at myself (and the world), and, above all, I was anxious. I went into a hyper manic mode of thinking, trying to retrace all my steps of where I had been and what might have happened. I prayed that my phone was safe and warm in one of the stores I had shopped at, and that it was not freezing to death in a parking lot or, worse yet, in the hands of some stranger who would have the means to hack it and therefore ruin my life with the touch of a few buttons. I tried rationalizing with myself, telling myself not to overreact—it was a material possession that didn’t mean anything and could easily be replaced. When I look back on the array of emotions I went through, they were the textbook emotions that are supposedly felt when real loss occurs. You know, the five stages that are printed on the brochures outside the counsellor’s office: denial/confusion, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance.
The reason I chose this story while working with the theme of balance is because during this time, I was hardly able to concentrate. I felt like I was missing a limb, or, at the very least, that I was walking around without clothes on. I felt naked, exposed, and completely vulnerable. I wasn’t balanced in the slightest.
So how does one manage school, work, and life when dealing with loss? I had to put on my grown-up pants (sort of) and keep going. I was forced to stay balanced and not fall in a heap. I was forced to look straight into myself, and question how I could let myself become so attached to an easily replaceable material possession. When my phone turned up (safe and warm in the friendly neighbourhood hardware store), I was, obviously, relieved and elated. I really understood that going through loss, no matter how small or futile, is a major shaker-upper that requires strength and composure. I don’t know if I retained much of either, but after this somewhat absurd experience, I’ll try harder to not risk my (and my phone’s) well being, and keep a better watch on my possessions.
Stay balanced. I hope.